Tag: lesbian

Don’t Look Back

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When I arrived at my old high school for the Career Fair I was extremely nervous to say the least. I hadn’t been back in many years, and I surely wasn’t out to anyone there. At this point, I really didn’t care if people know that I’m a lesbian, but something about coming in front of the whole student body, plus the nuns terrified me.
What if they made me leave? What if there was snickering? Every possible terrible scenario ran through my head. And then I started doubting myself.
What was the point of coming out to the panel? Was I just bringing up my queerness just to bring it up? Would it serve any purpose, or would it hurt my organization’s chances of working with the school?
After sitting through other people talk about their children and their husbands, I knew that I had every right to mention my supportive girlfriend. Mentioning her did not mean I was making some big political statement, I was acknowledging that I had someone in my life who supports me while I work within my non-profit.
When I mentioned her, the most amazing thing happened. Absolutely nothing. I kept talking, without murmurings or snickers, or no nuns chasing me off the stage. It just happened, without fanfare or consequence.
 I still don’t look back at my high school years with kindness. Even if I was out to myself at the time it would have been nearly impossible to be out and feel safe there. But at least now they can have an openly gay former student talk about their non-profit and the work that it does – showing queer kids that you’ll survive that school, and when you do, you can do amazing things.

Going Back to High School Scares the Sh*t Out of Me

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Not an accurate picture of my high school

This past week I was invited back to my high school to speak at their Career Fair. Getting the chance to talk about my organization is a great opportunity and hopefully it will be a great chance to build a long-lasting and sustainable partnership.

I should be excited but instead I’m filled with dread and experiencing flashbacks from my adolescence. Most of my stress dreams from the past several years involve me having to go back to high school to take classes and being completely lost.

Like a lot of people, high school was a difficult time for me. I wasn’t out to myself yet but I knew that there was something ‘different’ about me. This made me a target for teasing and general meanness. For an all-girls Catholic school there were some progressive teachers, but we still had groups come in to say that Gay people didn’t exist because God didn’t make mistakes. And I won’t even get into the terrible abstinence only sex education I got. There was a lot of stress at school and at home – ten years ago I was dealing with self-harm, ignoring my depression for several years, and living with a recovering addict in the family.

Going back in its self is scary. Going back and being out is terrifying. I’m not going to be waving rainbow flags as I go through the school, but I can’t honestly go back and talk about my non-profit experiences without putting it in a queer context.

How I operate in the United States and abroad is greatly influenced by my sexuality, but honestly just the thought of being completely open around a bunch of nuns is giving me massive anxiety.

However, I know how oppressive that school can be if you think you are the only strange or different person pressured to follow a set of rules that just doesn’t fit who you are. It’ll be worth it if there is just one queer girl who knows that someone before her survived, and then thrived after leaving high school behind.

There are so many queer narratives that are blatantly ignored in Catholic high schools (and schools in general). Hopefully my presence and my stories can at least spark the smallest of positive conversations.

You Probably Thought Me Coming Out Was About You

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After dipping into a part of my coming out narrative last week I started thinking about all of the times I had to come out to friends, family, and co-workers and how they have reacted.

I’ve realized a long time ago that whomever you are coming out to tends to make it about them, but under further review I realized that every straight person I’ve come out to has gone through virtually the same process in reacting and dealing with the my gayness.
The process, in my opinion, is absolutely hilarious.
Step 1 – How does this make them feel?
Coming out has really never been about me, which by itself could be its own blog post. I tend to get “Oh I knew” or ” Why didn’t you tell me sooner, you didn’t trust me? “I’m totally okay with it”.
Well… yes I figured you are a decent human being and you won’t completely reject who I am. As far as the trust “issue” I also find that extremely entertaining. Straight people have no idea what it’s like to be afraid of that kind of hate and rejection… but yes it’sdefinitely all about you.
Step 2 – They are totally accepting of the LGBT community
I’ve only had a few bad coming out experiences, so I’m not even going to touch on those experiences. After they get over the shock of me coming out and telling me that they don’t suck as human beings,I get showered with pro-LGBT centered articles. “I saw that New Jersey got marriage equality, isn’t that great?” ” Did you see the article on Huffington Post about that gay House representative?”
 
I really do appreciate them sharing all of this information with me, but especially when it’s my family sharing, I have usually read the article two weeks before someone emails it to me. I would much rather get emails about Doctor Who news, I’m not so quick on that.
Step 3 – Proceed to show me how open minded they are by specifically talking about my love life / girlfriend.
This step specifically applies to my extended family and general acquaintances. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I don’t want to be specifically catered to because of my sexuality. I get told to make sure I bring my girlfriend, when none of my siblings or cousins my age have that reiterated to them. I’m not offended by it, but making my relationship a special snowflake compared to the rest of them doesn’t actually show acceptance.
I do understand I’m dealing with cultural and generational differences when I’m coming out and navigating through my family. I certainly know that most of them are trying their best since I’m the first openly out person on either side of my family.
I know I need to patient with their processes, but it the meantime, I’m just going to laugh at how ridiculous my family is.

I’m Thankful for My Non-Profit Community

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Since it’s not that long after Thanksgiving, I wanted to focus on something I’m extremely grateful for – community. A couple of weeks ago, I participated in a non-profit panel hosted by my University. As an alumna, I was extremely honored to speak to former and current students about my experiences forming my organization and what it’s like to run a non-profit. Before I went, however, I wasn’t terribly excited. I had been dealing with some non-related issues and I just wasn’t feeling very passionate about anything in general. I had no desire to go, but when I make a commitment, especially when my organization is involved, I know that I have to suck it up and power through whatever I have to do.

I’m so glad I said yes to this opportunity, and that I went with an open mind. Speaking on of panel of former students, all of whom were women, was inspiring to say the least. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, but we all have passion for what we’re doing, and know that despite all of the ups and downs, that we wouldn’t want to choose anything else.

It was comforting to hear that so many people struggle and overcome the notion that we need to work ourselves to the bone and without any compensation. I needed to hear how I wasn’t the only one who dealt with guilt over the idea of being compensated for work. That taking care of ourselves is taking care of our organizations and our constituents.

Without this experience I would probably be stuck in my angsty rut, forgetting that taking care of myself is jst as important as the work I’m doing. I’m so thankful that I have access to a supportive community which is passionate and willing to make sacrifices for those passions. I would not be able to do the work that I do without having the chance to voice my success and my frustrations within an open and understanding space.

We need community. I think sometimes I forget that I have this fantastic network, but I’m so grateful that I’m constantly reminded of its existence.

Missing My One Year Anniversary – An Accidental Hiatus

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The beginning of this month I celebrated the one year anniversary of this blog. I had grand intentions of writing a very in-depth recap of the blog, and what it has meant to me the past year. Unfortunately life had gotten crazy over the past two months, and I fell out of writing.

First off, I got hired to a full-time position which is great, because money, but it’s not in my field. I know that I’m lucky to have any type of job as a millennial with a liberal arts degree who wants to work in a nonprofit, but nevertheless it has left me with not much to write about. Really, I just haven’t had the motivation to write. I know I’m in a good situation, but I have honestly lost some drive when it comes to finding a non-profit job or funding for my non-profit.

Very long story short – having an infected tooth and having potential employment burn you really puts you off from writing about anything positive.

Which in reality, is exactly what I have needed. Focusing on the positives in my life and the work (non-profit and for profit) I’m doing helps me keep my head in the game and maintain perspective.

My goal for this blog to continue on, and for me to keep writing about the good things about being gay and working in the non-profit world.

If anything has taught be about working in the non-profit sector,  it’s that if you get knocked down eight times, you need to stand up nine. I can’t give up on myself or my writing just because I’m not exactly where I want to be, and just because opportunities don’t work out the way I wanted them to.

So I guess this post will be an homage to the first year of this blog. There were road bumps, but I kept writing. I got busy, and I kept writing. So now after an unintended break, I will keep writing. I will keep trying. I will keep working at making the world a better place.

Dressing the Part

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Luckily I have been going on several interviews for positions in the non-profit sector. Unfortunately, I haven’t been offered any of these positions. Feedback has shown me that my resume , experience, and interview answers have been on point. Which is great… and extremely frustrating at the same time. If I was doing something obviously and inherently wrong throughout my job search I could fix it. Is there something about how I’m presenting myself that is working against me, at least on a subconscious level?

I don’t think that any person interviewing me is actively thinking that I don’t ‘look’ experienced enough, but I do have a younger looking face. Also, I’m always extremely aware of how I look going into an interview as a woman. Women who wear no make-up are sometimes deemed unprofessional while women who wear too much make-up are written off as air heads. I feel like this dichotomy  is intensified in the non-profit sector. If I don’t wear make-up, its assumed that I don’t look like I’m taking the interview and organization seriously, but if I do wear make-up it could seem like I don’t fit into the non-profit culture. Is wearing a dress too girly, but wearing pants not professional enough?

Also, when I’m wearing pants and a button up shirt (my favorite go-to for interviews), I’m starting to become more concerned that with my short hair, that I look too gay. That if I don’t look feminine enough, that there is a bright sign over my head that is flashing LESBIAN in big bold letters.

Again, I really don’t think any of my interviewers are actively think that way, but it’s still something that is probably hindering my job search.

However, are there subconscious decisions  being made about me that are ruining my changes of getting a job in my field? I don’t think that my appearance is the only reason I haven’t gotten a job, but constantly being selected as 1 of 5 people interviewed out of 120 applications, then not getting the job over and over again, it makes me wonder.

Hopefully the tide will turn, and my efforts will pay off soon. In the mean time, I just have to keep plugging along, and wishing for the best.

We Need Gay Spaces

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This weekend my girlfriend and I attended a bachelorette party of one of her friends which involved going to a club, a very stereotypical straight club full of dude bros. My girlfriend and I understood that the club wasn’t designed to cater to us, but we couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable when overly aggressive men tried to hit on us or try to touch us. I know I’m not a club person in general, but I have no idea how this type of setting would be appealing to anyone.

For me, one of the most frustrating parts of the night was knowing that there really aren’t that many spaces for my girlfriend and I to go and dance and not be a harassed by men who ‘accidentally’ grab my ass . The city that we live in doesn’t have many LGBT specific safe spaces, and the number that is specifically for lesbians is minuscule.

Why is it so difficult for us to have safe spaces? And, for those of us who work in the non-profits, finding a safe space within our sector, organization, or country could be near impossible. There aren’t that many safe spaces online either (that’s why I started this blog in the first place). It’s frustrating that there are so few spaces outside of our apartment that I feel safe talking about my girlfriend, holding her hand, or being able to dance with her. I should be able to talk about her on my organization’s trips or in other situations where people get to casually mention their heterosexual significant other. It’s frustrating and it’s saddening. Denying my orientation and denying my girlfriend are two very big parts of myself,I always feel like I have to pretend I’m someone I’m not .

I want there to be club where I can dance with my girlfriend. I want to travel the world and tell everyone how amazing she is. I want to not be afraid of  mentioning her or looking ‘too gay’ when I talk to donors or constituents.

For now, I hope that this blog can serve as that, and hopefully we can work towards more safe spaces online and offline, and having fun and working within the organizations we feel so passionately about.

I want all of us gay humanitarians to be able to band together, and at least create a space online where we can be safe, and be ourselves.

So You’ve Fallen in Love with a Non-Humanitarian

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My girlfriend is terrified of going on airplanes, she absolutely loathes them. She certainly doesn’t understand how I fly 20+ hours at a time for my organization, or why I would that fly that far, or why I am so passionate about my cause. When it comes to a powerful news story, I’m the one crying and she’s the one looking at me strangely. I’m not saying she is apathetic and heartless, she is a very caring and loving person to her friends, family and me. Honestly anyone compared to me would appear at least mildly apathetic. Really, I am hyper emotional and empathetic.

Honestly, before I started dating her, I thought my ideal woman would be very much like myself- someone in the aid or non-profit sector, probably working in education development and/or with kids.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m not saying that two humanitarians couldn’t have a successful romantic relationship, I’m sure many do. (I’m in no way shape or form an expert on other people’s relationships.)

I could write a 10 page essay on all of the things about my girlfriend that I love – but I will spare you (you’re welcome) and list out a few reasons why being with a non-humanitarian makes me better at what I do.

  • She balances out my emotional tendencies – which helps me think more objectively about my work and the world.
  • She challenges my worldview. We can debate and discuss global and domestic issues; we might not change each other’s minds, but perspective is definitely expanded.
  • She cares because I care. My work is important to me, so it’s important to her.
  • She tries to understand what I do. I can talk about my day and she is truly interested and asks questions.
  • She respects my passion. No, she doesn’t get it all of the time, but she respects that part of me and allows me to feel how I feel.

Like in any relationship, balance and respect is essential. Could I have found that with a humanitarian? Sure, but other humanitarians will have the same emotional hangups and the manic bouts of passion towards a cause. Which could be good for some people (again, not a relationship expert), however, I would not be great at it. Really, I just imagine us being in separate corners curled up in the fetal position.  How could we be emotionally supportive of each other if we were stuck in our own heads, worrying over the state of the world?

What makes being with a non-humanitarian so special is that she cares in spite her worldview. I get a peek into a different worldview and so does she. She helps me draw myself out of my head. She is my rock and my balance. I wouldn’t be the humanitarian I am today without her.

Finding the Good in Gay

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Who is a good person? How do we learn what makes up a good person?

As I was writing last week’s blog, I couldn’t help but think about my own Catholic education. I attended Catholic school for 12 years. Now while I’m not a practicing Catholic, there were lessons like “do unto others as you would have done to you…” that have shaped my judgement and ethos. But looking back, all of the role models that were presented to me (i.e. Mother Teresa, St. Francis, etc) were from several hundred years ago and/or very very Catholic.

Which makes sense, I’m aware. Going to a Catholic school would tip the scale in that direction.

But thinking through this, I am finally understanding why I have had a hard time reconciling my lesbian identity with my humanitarian one. I never learned about Harvey Milk or Bayard Rustin. Understanding Stonewall was through own research whilst in college. (I know this history is lacking across the board… but I can only speak to my experience).

My Catholic school experience tended to lean towards gay invisibility instead of prejudice. If no one talked about gays, then gays didn’t have to exist or be dealt with. I know that this policy is definitely a lot better than blatant, constant bullying and homophobic remarks; I wonder what if my the idea of who was good was expanded to LGBT* people?

Would acknowledging gay individuals who reflect Catholic teachings would be detrimental to the church? Why is it so difficult for some people to think that LGBT* and humanitarian identities can coincide?

I know that this isn’t just a Catholic school problem. There are 77 countries in the world that criminalize homosexuality. How can LGBT* feel empowered to do good in their micro and macro communities if there are told that who they are is criminal? How can someone see themselves as good-doer if one of their main identities is ostracized by their government and society?

When coming to terms with my own sexuality, there were times when I tapped into my one latent institutionalized homophobia, doubting that I could make a difference or be a good person because I am attracted to girls. Since I am a lesbian, does that mean even if I do good, being gay cancels it all out?

Obviously no. (Most of my Catholic guilt has been eliminated, thank the universe). But there are many LGBT* people who are told that aren’t good people, and don’t have to support to breakaway from their homophobic surroundings.

Wouldn’t it be great to live in a world where a queer kid could say they wanted to be the next Harvey Milk, Bayard Rustin, Sally Ride, or any of the amazing *LGBT that have shape history?

Wouldn’t it be better to just teach children that being a good person can mean many things, and that they sexuality doesn’t have to influence their moral compass, but it is a part of them that is good?

The Queer Identity and International Aid Work

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When I voiced my concern to a colleague about being gay and traveling abroad, I was basically told I shouldn’t make everything about my sexuality. I really struggled with this… was I applying my international work and travel through an unnecessary queer lens?

Luckily one of my mentors in all things LGBT ( and one of the loveliest woman I know, hands down) guided me to the crux of the issue- it wasn’t about applying my lesbian-ness all over the place; the true issue is that I am afraid of stripping my identity in order to be successful at my job and in my long term career.

When I think about identity, my head honestly starts to spin. I only came out 5 years ago. My queer circle hasn’t expanded much in those years, the large majority of my friends are heterosexual. Do I “act” and “look” more gay than 5 years ago? Probably. Some ‘friends’ have given me crap for it, but I see nothing wrong with buying into different identities and changing how you want to present your identity. If I never changed, I’d still be wearing Hot Topic shirts and thinking that Dashboard Confessional got their lyrics from my diary.

*Shudder*

People change, identities change. I really hope that I’m not the same kind of gay 10 years from now. Everyone grows, everyone evolves (cue Pokemon reference..?)

My identity never comes into question in my domestic work, and luckily hasn’t caused conflict or disturbance internationally. I know everyone has their “work” self, their “family” self, etc. But straight people get to be straight in all of these scenarios if they choose to.

I don’t want to tattoo ‘Lesbian’ on my forehead , but at the same time, I don’t want to worry about if my hair looks too gay, if I shouldn’t wear plaid of my marriage equality ring. Or purposely not talk about my amazing girlfriend.

I am a gay woman. Yes I have other identities, but this one is pretty central to who I am. Because I want it be, and at least for now, that works.