Category: About Me

We Need Gay Spaces

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This weekend my girlfriend and I attended a bachelorette party of one of her friends which involved going to a club, a very stereotypical straight club full of dude bros. My girlfriend and I understood that the club wasn’t designed to cater to us, but we couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable when overly aggressive men tried to hit on us or try to touch us. I know I’m not a club person in general, but I have no idea how this type of setting would be appealing to anyone.

For me, one of the most frustrating parts of the night was knowing that there really aren’t that many spaces for my girlfriend and I to go and dance and not be a harassed by men who ‘accidentally’ grab my ass . The city that we live in doesn’t have many LGBT specific safe spaces, and the number that is specifically for lesbians is minuscule.

Why is it so difficult for us to have safe spaces? And, for those of us who work in the non-profits, finding a safe space within our sector, organization, or country could be near impossible. There aren’t that many safe spaces online either (that’s why I started this blog in the first place). It’s frustrating that there are so few spaces outside of our apartment that I feel safe talking about my girlfriend, holding her hand, or being able to dance with her. I should be able to talk about her on my organization’s trips or in other situations where people get to casually mention their heterosexual significant other. It’s frustrating and it’s saddening. Denying my orientation and denying my girlfriend are two very big parts of myself,I always feel like I have to pretend I’m someone I’m not .

I want there to be club where I can dance with my girlfriend. I want to travel the world and tell everyone how amazing she is. I want to not be afraid of  mentioning her or looking ‘too gay’ when I talk to donors or constituents.

For now, I hope that this blog can serve as that, and hopefully we can work towards more safe spaces online and offline, and having fun and working within the organizations we feel so passionately about.

I want all of us gay humanitarians to be able to band together, and at least create a space online where we can be safe, and be ourselves.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

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In my quest for finding a paying non-profit job, I’ve been luckily enough to be one of the few selected to come I for interviews. This has happened several times, and has not result in successful employment. I know that this is significantly more progress than my peers are experiencing, so a part of me feels guilty for being frustrated.  Then there is the part of me that wants organizations to see how freaking awesome of an asset I would be in their non-profit. I know that I have a good amount of experience, and I’ve knowledge of a wide range of things that are necessary in a non-profit office (everything from website management, event planning, and everything in between). What do these other people being interviewed have over me? Probably experience, which in reality, I really can’t do anything about. There are always going to be people who know more than I do. I just wish that I was given a chance to prove myself.

Honestly, constantly getting my hopes up and then having them dashed is the worst part about the job hunting process. For me to present myself in the best possible light in an interview, I need to feel excited and passionate about the position. How else will employers get that I’m serious about getting hired? But with that excitements leads to huge disappointment after I don’t get the position. I feel like this job hunting process is like a terrible roller coaster that I got bored with 3 months ago, but can’t get off of it.

I know I need to be grateful for the opportunities to go into these interviews and network with people I wouldn’t normally get a chance to interact with. I need to be grateful for getting farther in the job process than a lot of people.  I know I need to stay positive because even as I’m writing this, I am getting emailed about possible positions.

I just need to take deep breaths, and keep doing what I’m doing. Because really, there isn’t an alternative.

Dealing With Reverse Culture Shock and Burnout

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After studying abroad, and really after I come back from an international trip, I suffer terrible reverse culture shock which usually results in a mental burnout. Before medication and therapy, these burnouts could last weeks or even months. It was so bad that I burst into tears landing at JFK airport because I saw a golf course. No one back in the United States really seemed to get how I felt, and telling stories about my international adventures only made me feel worse.

I may be wrong, but I feel like people who suffer from good old regular culture shock when traveling to a country have it easier. You either stick it out in the new country, or you go home. Reverse cultural shock likes to creep out unexpectedly and at the worst moments. Like almost having a panic attack in the middle of a Bath and Body Works while Christmas shopping at a mall. Whenever I travel internationally, even if it’s for a short period of time, reverse culture shock sets in as soon as I land back in the United States. Places abroad feel so much like home, more than other living situations I was in, and I didn’t want to leave that feeling. I didn’t want to leave that sense of community and simplicity. My responsibilities abroad were going to school or volunteering, which made life back in the United States seem ten times more complicated than it probably was. After returning from study abroad, the reverse culture shock was so severe that I stayed in varying degrees of depression over a 5 year period. My depression is biochemical, and that feeling of loss was something that I couldn’t truly overcome on my own.

I thought that with the medication and therapy the feeling would be non-existent or at least dissipate faster. However, the feeling stays just as long and just as strong. The only difference now is that it doesn’t complete destroy my mental state for a month after returning. Which I suppose is a pretty big difference. Not completely burning out helps me move forward and allows me to get the work done that I need to. I just wish that there was some magic spell or drug that would allow me to travel from country to country without feeling so disoriented when I return. In the meantime I have a great girlfriend, friends, family, and therapy that remind me what home feels like in the United States.

“But You Don’t Look Gay…”

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When I was abroad and socializing with the oil workers I mentioned the last week, there were several times when these middle-aged men would try to create drama within my study abroad group (composed of 20-somethings).  One of these incidents was one of them insisting to me that another person in my group was gay, and you could tell by “just looking at them”.

I’m not going to touch on the idea of creating drama over sexual orientation (that’s a whole other blog post). Even after I started to come out to myself, no one on that trip could tell I was gay. Everyone that I came out to at home was surprised. It felt like my homosexuality was pouring out of every part of me, but my ‘straight acting’ of the past was just too good.  I had pretended to have crushes on male celebrities and tried to convince myself that I was in love with several of my male friends. It never felt real to me, but I guess I was fairly convincing. The markers that seemed so obvious to that oil worker were wrong, but all of the markers I had weren’t ‘gay enough’.

Can you always tell that people are gay by just looking at them? At the beginning of the trip when this occurred, I wasn’t even out to myself yet, but no one was picking up on what in hindsight was pretty obvious gay vibes. Even after being out for 6 years, I still get surprised reactions; they couldn’t ‘see’ my gayness. Before I cut my hair short, I would go  to Pride parades and events with my male gay friends and automatically be pegged as the ally or hag tagging along.  Now, there are times when I look at myself and think I look ‘gayer’ than other times, but those visual markers don’t necessarily give me away. My hair could be in a faux hawk, and I could be wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt and people have still be surprised when I refer to my girlfriend.

Is there a mysterious gay vibe that I’m not emitting? Being a lesbian is a crucial part of my identity, and honestly it frustrates me that people don’t see it when I think I am making it obvious. Is it that it’s so obvious to me, but surprising for everyone who assumes heterosexuality until proven other wise? Is that what has kept me safe when I have been traveling with my non-profit? I feel gay all of the time, but I guess since straightness is assumed ( I usually dress in the middle of the butch/femme spectrum) I get lumped in with all the other heterosexuals. I don’t mind that when I’m traveling with my organization if it protects me, but I get frustrated that people can pick up on gay vibes from other people and not me.  What separates me from all of the other women you can ‘just tell’ are lesbians?

Even though I’m grateful that assumed straightness protects me from homophobia abroad, it’s a double edged sword. Having people know that I’m a lesbian is crucial to my identity. I feel like less of myself while under this protection, and I feel like I’m lying to everyone involved.

I want to be my gay self all of the time; I just have to wait until being my true self wouldn’t get myself or my organization hurt.

I won’t hold my breath, but I remain hopeful.

 

Yelling at a Wall and Tolerating the Ugly

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One of the things that I learned when I first studied abroad is the need to look at the grey areas of life. Oil production is abundant in that country, and my 20-year-old self had many preconceived ideas about everyone involved with oil companies. Are there many business and environmental policies that I don’t agree with? Of course. Are there people who are just trying to take care of their family, and do their best? Very much so. My time there taught me that the corporation and the people within the corporation are two very separate entities, and should not be judged with the same criteria.

With it being such an oil rich nation, unfortunately prostitution is one the leading occupations for women there. Those women were some of the kindest and friendliest people I have ever I met. It’s the men who worked within the oil companies (ranging from drillers to executives) who would tell you about their wife and kids as they were picking up a prostitute and who would them horribly. The men who get excessively drunk, knowing that they were going to drive us home.

I’m not a fan of beating myself up over the past. My 20-year-old self was very angry at those situations, but my 20-year-old self also felt very powerless to change anything. I bit my lip and got in the cars. I wish the situation was different. I wish that at 20 I felt the confidence to speak out, even though it might have changed anything. If I berated oil workers about their cheating and the diseases they were bringing home to their wives, what would have that accomplished?

It’s taken awhile, but I finally forgave my past self for not yelling at every disgusting man who I encountered abroad. I was not outspoken six years ago. I was a shy, anxiety ridden college student who was finally coming to terms with her sexuality. I was in no place to do and say the things I wanted to. That I probably should have.

I didn’t stand up for those women, the students in my group, or myself.

Now, through my study abroad experiences and now my non-profit, I can see what may seem like a drop in the bucket make all of the difference in the world. Or it may not. But I need to try, because I have no idea what ripple effect my actions may cause one, five, or ten years down the road.My silence taught me not to yell at walls, and to not tolerate ugly behavior; to speak out when I have the opportunity to. As a result of my past lack of strength and confidence, I now have learned to use my voice as a force for good whenever possible.

I still look for the grey areas of situations, but with the understanding that there are some things that I refuse to compromise on. 

Through my lack of strength and confidence, I have learned to use my voice as a force for good whenever possible.

Finishing Chapters

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Tardis Journal

From an early age I was terrible at finishing travel journals. From my first international trip to my last trip abroad I have always have been required, or have wanted to document my experiences through journal writing.

Unfortunately, none of these journals have ever been completed. Whether it’s the last month or couple of days before the trip ends, the pages stay blank.

I love new and exciting experiences, but I’ve always have hated the feeling after, the withdrawal. It’s more than just reverse culture shock, it’s the feeling that if I complete the journal, then the experience is complete, and I can never feel that same way again.

In the past, happiness has been an extremely difficult and complex emotion for me. The higher the high, the bigger the crash into a downward spiral. Not finishing those journals was a way of clinging onto the happiness I had found. I could pretend that nothing had changed, and I was still in the moment of happiness.

Through lots of self exploration and therapy, I’ve accepted that holding on to a moment doesn’t preserve your happiness, moving forward does. Change is happening all of the time, and grasping on to the past does nothing to prevent it, and makes me more miserable.

Different circumstances in the present and future don’t negate the happiness of the past. The fact that my brother and sister are moving across the country doesn’t change who we are to each other. The fact that disease is most likely going to prevent our annual trip doesn’t change my passion for my organization.

Sometimes I wish that world would stand still, but then I remember that its constant revolution and rotation has given me amazing opportunities and changes that I didn’t even know I needed.

I will probably be never good at finishing journals. There will probably always be that piece of me that wants to believe it’s not over and nothing is changed. But I now know that that my happiness lies in acknowledging the past, but moving forward towards the next big adventure.

Unnecessary Competition

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Every once in a while there is someone in the humanitarian sector who needs to puff our their feathers and claim that their organization and / or their methods are superior to everyone else’s, making them the best in their field. I experienced that behavior mostly in undergrad, but lately I have been experiencing this pissing contest indirectly and directly online and at various conferences.

My organization operates in 5 countries. Mine doesn’t require funding from corporations. Here are metrics that prove my work is more important than yours.

It’s one thing to be proud of our non-profits; I’m extremely proud of what my organization has accomplished. The trouble comes when we try to diminish other’s work as wrong or insignificant. In some countries it’s easy and an advantage to work with corporations and the government; in others, not so much. Water infrastructure does not negate education or health development or vice versa. There is no cause that trumps all of the others, and your organization isn’t better because of it.

Every organization is created, formed, and evolved from an infinite amount of historical, sociopolitical, and economical scenarios. Education programs that work in a small village in Ecuador might have no positive impact in a country-wide program in Pakistan. The way we operate in one the countries my non-profit works in is extremely unique, and I would not recommend functioning that way in other places. Do I wish that it could be different? Of course, but wishing doesn’t turn anything into an ideal situation. Yes we are taught and shown the ‘best practices’ of a specific sector, but a lot of the times those practices need to be adapted or completely thrown out the window in order to be successful.

It doesn’t make the work my non-profit any less valid, and having the ability to adhere to different tactics doesn’t make your work any more valid.

Can’t we all just get along, share our ideas, and be open to being wrong or adapting our programs?

Remember, we are all working towards making the world a better place, we can’t do that by stomping on each other.

It’s Out of My Hands

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In the past week my organization has been dealt a blow. We usually travel to X in the Fall, but there has been a serious outbreak of disease in the area. Usually organizations like the WHO or Doctors Without Borders have a timeline for containment, but in this case, no timeline exists. The disease is extremely contagious, even when symptoms aren’t showing, and can be caught through bodily fluids, including sweat. There is no cure, and also tends to have a 50-60% death rate.

Unless it gets under control, it looks like it we would be unable to go. I know I have no control over the situation. There is nothing within my power that will improve the situation.

I feel helpless and frustrated.

Having to sit and wait and watch is making my skin itch; knowing that there is nothing I can do makes me physically ache. A part of me wants to say screw the consequences and go any way.

But what good am I if I get sick? Or if I die? Death isn’t a 100% guarantee, but it’s a high enough risk to not logically risk my life to ease my impulsive desires.

Valuing my life over my organization is actually a relatively new concept for me. I know that my life and my health trump going into dangerous areas, but there is still a tiny piece of me that hasn’t been convinced. What if I completely cover myself 24/7?  What if I don’t touch anyone? Isn’t it worth the risk?

Logically it’s a resounding no, but my emotions and feelings twist it into a lukewarm maybe. I don’t want to die a martyr. I don’t want to die period. But the idea of not going feels like a huge cop-out, even if the risks extremely outweigh the benefits of going.

I wish I could regale you with some grand revelation about self-worth vs. sacrifice, but the truth is I think I’ll always have a small part of me that would throw caution to the wind despite my best interests. I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by people who can knock sense into me and remind me that I know that certain risks don’t benefit me or my non-profit.

And who knows, maybe the situation will be contained, and it’ll be safe to go.

Trust Me, I Know What I’m Doing

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I have been job hunting for a while, but I’ve only recently gotten called in for interviews. I’ve noticed that while people are impressed that I co-founded my own non-profit, my organization is appearing to be a double-edged sword.

I always get asked if I am going to continue my work with my organization. Yes, I am very loyal to my non-profit, but if you are paying me, I know where my priorities lie. I’m not going to spend my time at your office working on my non-profit, and then have to explain why my work for the office isn’t finished. I rock at time management, and I am used to doing non-profit emails at weird hours of the night. I went to graduate school, had two-part time jobs, and managed my non-profit. It may get a little crazy, but I do know how to handle it.

Also, I’ve been asked multiple times about what writing skills I possess. With my non-profit I’ve had to learn how to write everything from proposals to tweets to brochures to donor letters. This is probably going to sound arrogant, but if there is a type of writing that an organization needs, I’ve probably written at least 20 versions of it.

My favorite question is how I would deal with working underneath a person since I’ve  been my own boss within my organization. First off, I’ve had other jobs, and I certainly wasn’t not the head of the companies. Also, between board members, constituents, and my co-founder, there is a lot of people I have to answer to. It would be great if I sat on a throne and listened to only my thoughts… but even when I’m my own boss I have to report to and be accountable to multiple people.

There is a plethora of reasons why I’m lucky to have created my organization. One of these reasons is how I’ve been able to learn so many skills that are applicable inside and out of the non-profit sector. I’ve written grants, built websites, managed shipping logistics, coordinated volunteers, and so much more. I’ve had to report to people, and have people report to me.

I know what I’m doing, and it’s frustrating that I’m having difficulty ‘selling’ my skills to other people.  I know it’s a part of life. but having to constantly convince others you’re qualified for a job you already do is beyond frustrating.

Hopefully, as I continue the interviewing process, I will become more equipped to ‘show off’  my skills in a way that is appealing to companies and other non-profits. I know I’m awesome, I know my organization is awesome, I just need to get other people to see what I can bring to the table.

Curbing My Enthusiasm

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I’ve written about not burning yourself out with causes outside of your own organization, but I’ve been finding that I’m needing to turn down the effort I’m putting into my own organization. This has happened to me before; when I first built my non-profit’s website, I think I went from its inception to launching the site (with a full 15 pages) in less than 60 hours. Our website was certainly quite basic at the time, but powering through to complete it in that short period of time burnt me out, and was completely unnecessary.

Over the past several years there have been moments where I have had to curb some of my manic tendencies; when I start a project or try to brainstorm a new idea for a program it’s hard for me to stop or concentrate on anything else. My brain becomes a non-profit hamster wheel that doesn’t stop, and usually picks up the pace when I should be asleep.

This past week we had a 24 fundraising campaign, and I was tempted to stay up through the whole 24 hours and push through surviving on caffeine and show tunes. It honestly made perfect sense to do this, until mentioning it out loud to my girlfriend. A part of me knew that it was a horrid idea and I would never stay awake for the full 24 hours even with copious amounts of caffeine. And if I did manage to stay awake, it wouldn’t have been pretty.

I understand these bouts of overdrive mode are not healthy, and are not necessarily conducive to completing something well and on time. It’s really hard to curb these tendencies. There’s still a tiny part of me that wants to believe that my organization’s success relies on the need to sacrifice my health. This thought process was formed through years of struggling with my mental health. I thought that the more I suffered, the better the output would be.

I didn’t stay up the straight 24 hours. Was the fundraiser as successful as I wanted it to be? No. Would it have been better if I stayed wake the whole time? No.

I enjoy putting myself into my organization, but I am still learning how to not go into extreme overdrive to the point where my non-profit is a great priority than my health. Where to draw the line is staring to become clearer, but it’s still difficult to not pass over it and keep running.

Honestly, a part of me still feels guilty if I don’t burn myself out completely on a project. If I don’t pour every ounce of myself into my organization how will it be a success? Would people question my passion and my loyalty?

I need to come to terms that, no matter what I do or how passionate I am or how much effort I put forth, someone is always going  to think I should have done something differently. I know what I put into my non-profit, and so do a lot of other people. Especially our constituents. So at the end of the day, if I put forth a solid effort and our constituents re happy with my work, then I have nothing to worry about.

I’m truly happy with the amount of work I put into my organization, and I need to give myself a break for not wanting to stay up for 24 hours straight on a fundraising binge.

I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing my best, and that I can still kick ass and take names within healthy boundaries.