Category: Personal Thoughts

Romanticizing the Past

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There was a four-year gap between when I first studied abroad in the country my organization works in and when I was able to return. As time went by after my studying abroad experience, I began to look at my memories through rose colored glasses. I didn’t intentionally put those rose-colored glasses on, but there were some aspects of my original adventure that go warped.

For example, why didn’t we explore the country more during the day? Most of our classes were at night and had plenty of time in the middle of the day to be outside. When my co-founder and I returned to the country four years later, we tried walking around the middle of the day for meetings. In four years I had forgotten that the weather there was either hot and humid, or just really hot, especially in the middle of the day; we weren’t being lazy students, we were trying to prevent heat stroke.

When we came back, the whole country felt different. Which makes sense after four years, but it still took me by surprise when our favorite restaurant was gone and our favorite bar installed a disco ball. These things do seem small, but they were part of the glaring realization that time had changed this country, our organization, and us.

We were no longer treated like students, because we weren’t students anymore. A part of me still misses being coddled by staff and other groups, and a part of me is terrified that these people now see me as an adult and one of their peers. It was certainly easier for me as a student. I didn’t have the responsibilities of a non-profit weighing on me. I got to take fairly easy classes while volunteering in a school (a future partner school). Some days when I’m stressed about a logistical or funding problem, I pine for the days where being a student was my number one priority.

But then, I remember what my organization has accomplished over the past 5 years, specifically all of the strides we have made in establishing ourselves internationally. I realize that I have grown up a bit when I see and appreciate the respect we have achieved in our sector, and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’ve learned that looking at the past through a positive lens is great, but to not let it diminish what has been accomplished closer to the present. I can learn from the past, but appreciate who I am now. Wishing for a simpler time is folly, because life was never simple and the present is not something I should resent. The past may feel like the glory days, but I have a feeling that five years from now I’ll probably be talking about 2014 with the same reverence as I do with 2008.

Just like my organization, I need to learn from my past (and not be stuck there), be grateful for the present, and get excited for the future.

Sort of Out: Coming Out Through Studying Abroad

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A lot of my LGBT* friends knew pretty much their entire lives, or at least since puberty, that they were queer. I wouldn’t say that figuring out I was a lesbian at 20 is completely late to the game, but comparatively to my queer circle, I felt like I showed up to the party pretty late.

Of course, it would take me traveling half way across the world to figure out my sexuality. In hindsight, the signs had definitely been there for me. I had considered boys aesthetically pleasing, but I thought then if I waited long enough, the physical and sexual feelings would emerge. Also, looking back on my female friendships and my obvious crushes, I still shudder and shake my head.

I finally let myself start to see the truth of things when I was studying abroad my junior year of college. There were only five of us in our program, and luckily we all got along; we all became very fast friends. There was only one boy in the program, and I started on my usual course trying to convince myself that I had a crush on him. As much as I tried, nothing more than friendship felt right. There was, however, a girl in our group that I was very attracted to, I just wasn’t admitting it to myself. This girl was smart, kind hearted, and hot, very hot. Again I tried to convince myself that a same-sex attraction was just close feelings of friendships.

The trip was life changing , so obviously I felt strong emotions toward my new friends. Afterwards geography separated me from of the group, and I almost convinced myself of my success.

It finally took an interaction with an old high school friend a month after returning that led me to my sexual revelation. Not initially of course, because that would have been too easy.  We snuggled the whole weekend while in the mountains, but it was finally that Sunday coming home that reality smacked me upside the head.

People have asked me why it took me so long for me to register, and I have asked myself the same question many times. Why did it take a study abroad trip across the world and back for me to figure it out? Why was I keeping myself blind to my obvious reality? There were points in high school that I flirted with the idea of being attracted to girls, but I buried it away from my conscious thought.  I didn’t want it to be an option, so I made myself not see it.

Studying abroad made me see, learn, and re-learn things about who I am as a person and what I wanted to get out of life. This experience mapped out my passion for education, development, and non-profit work. Most importantly, it made me feel again. For too long I blocked myself off from my emotions and the world. By traveling abroad I let myself go free, and I let myself be. It was the beginning of a long and continuous journey of learning about and loving myself.

I’ve found that when I am the most open and true to myself, the happier of a place I am at. Being true to me has been amazing, terrifying and difficult, but absolutely incredible. I am eternally grateful for the experience I had. I shudder to think about the shell of person I would be today without it. That semester was the catalyst toward finding myself through all of the facades I built.

Some people in the LGBT* community have known since the beginning, others, it takes a little bit longer. For me, I almost had to be smacked upside the head with my own sexuality. We all have different journeys. For me, it took the long way around the bend, I couldn’t be more grateful.

Armchair Activism

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Armchair Activist (Noun): One who sits in their armchair or desk chair and blogs or posts Activists issues on Facebook without ever really doing anything about said issues or exercising any form of activism as it would require that person to actually leave the armchair. –Urban Dictionary

Most definitions of armchair activism or “slacktivism” that I have come across are not flattering or positive in any way, shape, or form. I definitely understand the criticism. People who aren’t involved, but who like to convince themselves and the online community that they are making a difference. Feeling satisfied by only posting and tweeting about a certain cause.

I might be swimming in naiveté, but I would like to argue why, at least in theory, we can’t assume that arm-chair activism is solely composed of lazy people who like to pat themselves on the back for doing virtually nothing. Those type of people exist in every social movement.

I do believe that with new and ever-growing technology our understand of social movements need to change. I’m not saying that everything about a social movement can be accomplished through a computer, but many of these people who are posting, liking, and retweeting would never had had access to the information or news story in the first place. Can we really say that if social media didn’t exist the way it does, that these people would be more ‘active’ in these causes?

Not everyone can march on Washington or occupy a local area. If they can sign a petition, or spread a news piece, they are doing something productive. Could they be doing more? Of course; in theory you could say that about any person within a movement.

People only have so much time and emotional energy to give. If they volunteer at an animal shelter and only post online about labor issues, that’s great. We can’t make a difference every waking moment within in every sector or issue.

Is there an over-inflated sense of self in some of the online activist community? Yes. Is there an over-inflated sense of self in the Occupy Movement? Yes. A group of people who only like to pat themselves on the back and puff out their chest to build online clout should never define an entire movement or activist community.

Hash-tags can’t save the world but they can make the world a little more informed and hopefully, passionate. Which, in theory, can make the world a better place.

Real Positive Change Takes Time

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Everyone in sports and LGBT* community is talking about Michael Sam getting drafted by the Rams and that his jersey is selling like hotcakes. While obviously excitement has been expressed by the LGBT* community, it is also very easy to lament over the fact that the first openly gay play drafted to the NFL wasn’t an all-star quarterback or wide receiver. Why couldn’t the LGBT* community bust down the door instead of having in gently pushed open by a seventh round draft pick?

I am not diminishing Sam’s achievements. He has obviously worked very hard to be where he is now, and the fact that ESPN aired a gay kiss on TV definitely made a big splash in the sports world.

The reason we don’t have an openly queer quarterback is the same reason we haven’t an openly queer president. Lasting positive change takes time and moves very slowly. Saying that lasting change takes time does not mean that I am satisfied for slow progress, but in order for the LGBT* community to bust down doors, we need people like Michael Sam. When Harvey Milk won in 1977 no one had dreamed of an openly gay politician. Now we have out Senators and Congress-people who stand up for LGBT* individuals across the United States.

Again, we should not be satisfied with slow-moving change; we should always try to aim higher and better. A quick flash in the pan is satisfying initially, but after a short period of time it can very easily lose impact. Unfortunately people need to see something over and over again until it becomes accepted and normalized.

Fast change looks nice, but what about the substance? What happens after the first openly gay quarterback gets drafted or the first out president gets elected? There is something to be said about reaching to the top, but more importantly lasting change comes from the hard work that continues after reaching the mountain peak. What is a queer president or quarterback going to do to continue to advance the LGBT* movement?

In a perfect world we wouldn’t need to kick the door down or LGBT* rights.

I don’t need to tell you that we don’t live in a perfect world. So we keep trudging forward, relishing in the small victories, but never accepting them as the permanent status-quo.

The Mentors in My Life

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This Mother’s Day, while I am  extremely grateful for my mother and how she has raised me, I would like to focus on the mentors in my life. I’ve been very lucky in my adult life, having mentors that have guided me through my journey in the LGBT* community and also the non-profit sector. I would not exist the way I do if it weren’t for these people, for which I am eternally grateful.

I would imagine that being out in any profession can prove difficult, but I know first hand what the repercussions of coming out in the international non-profit sector are. Honestly, I have felt like a unicorn at times, a mythical creature rarely seen. I know that other queer people work in non-profits, but unless they have worked in a LGBT* non-profit, I have never had a mutually ‘out’ interaction in my field with a peer.

Without my mentors, and specifically one of my former professors, I wouldn’t have anyone who truly understands what it’s like to travel to a different country as a gay humanitarian. Being closeted in some cases and being out in others has a lot of emotional and practical consequences. I’ve written previously about how toxic the closest can be, and it’s even more toxic when you have no one to talk to about being stuck in there.

My professor has let me voice my concerns and has legitimized my fears. She gets the complexities of weaving in an out of identities for the sake of doing something that you love, while being with someone who you love.

Some days it’s really hard reconciling my Lesbian identity with working in a country that is not LGBT* friendly. There are days that if I focus on it too much I become a big spiraling ball of anxiety heading towards a bout of panic attacks. Luckily I have people to pull me out of these funks. I have my girlfriend, my friends, family and mentors. Without these people, and specifically my former professor, I might be doomed to be rolling in my anxiety forever.

Just having someone who gets it allows my head to clear and it restores my passion and my faith in what I am doing. Even if we need to stay closeted for the sake of our work and passion, we need to find at least one person who can relate to and empathize with our struggles.

LGBT* non-profit workers aren’t unicorns and we aren’t islands. We need people who get the queer and the non-profit of us.

Story Telling – Why I Love Working in Development

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I have been asked several times “Why non-profit development? Why would you actually want to work in development?” Through various discussions and job interviews, it seems like a lot of non-profit folks fall into development by accident and/or non-willingly. No one wants to be the one who is begging for operational funding.

For me, working in development and writing is less about begging, and more about story telling. Obviously the need to ask for money is crucial to non-profit development, but I find joy in how you frame the ask. How we craft the story of the mission depending on who we are talking to. What parts of the organization’s story do we emphasize and high light for a specific sponsor? For individual donors?

I live and breathe for my organization. I love coming up with creative ways to share the story of who we are and our mission to as many different groups of people. Framing the money beg part in a story-telling sense has helped reduce my anxiety when I have to talk to people. The idea of blatantly asking for money is terrifying; the chance to spread my mission and story to more people is energizing and exciting.

My organization’s story is a part of who I am. Sharing what we do comes as natural to me as blinking. If I can craft our mission and programs in such a way that benefits my non-profit financially, I know I am making what we do more accessible and understandable to more people.

It’s one thing to run an organization with a great mission. It’s another thing to get funders, volunteers, and the general public on board with your organization. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need to constantly have our hand out for funds when we feel like we are taking time away from programming.  However, having to ask for money constantly challenges the quality of our work, and also how we present it to our constituents and donors. We shouldn’t be numbers driven, but story driven. Telling stories allows us to humanize our work and constituents, and it makes us work to be creative in our outreach and grant writing.

Non-profit development makes us better at what we do and helps us spread the message of what we do to the masses. It might not perceived as pretty or glamorous, but in my opinion it’s one of the most rewarding aspects of working in the non-profit sector.

Finding Myself Through My Non-Profit

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I celebrated my birthday this is past week, which has put me in a retrospective mood. How did I get to where I am today? Who am I now compared to who I was last year, or 5 years ago? What have been the main components that have shaped the course of my life?

Obviously the answers to these questions are long and in-depth, and not quite relevant to this blog. However, one of the quintessential parts of my life has been co-creating and running my own non-profit.

I have learned about myself through the successes and failures, the tweaking of the mission, and learning new skills. I found out that I could build a website (nothing fancy, but pretty damn good if I say so myself).I learned that we needed a financial adviser and accountant, and that speaking in front of people wouldn’t kill me. I now have the ability to see what skills I am able to learn, and what would make sense to outsource to more talented people.

Most importantly, I have learned where my true passion lies. Growing up, I had no idea who I wanted to be; I wanted to be an astronaut, photographer, writer, and psychologist,  but none of those professions seemed to truly fit me. Even in the beginning of forming my organization, I couldn’t feel it driving me. Luckily, it didn’t take too long to click for me. I honestly don’t know exactly what was the catalyst to this revelation, but something sparked within me that changed my life for the better.

Creating my non-profit has allowed me to find myself amidst the rubble of my self-doubt and listlessness. It gave me a purpose that brought together my many passions. It allowed me to see the many talents I possess, and what I can offer to the world.

I am infinitely grateful to have this organization and the experiences that have come with it. I know that I am making a positive impact on the world.

It’s who I am.

You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

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In the past, I have talked about not burning yourself out on participating in too many projects. What if you are feeling burnt out by your own organization? Has the spark of passion in your mission flickered out?

We don’t do easy work, and I have seen many domestic and international non-profit/aid/foreign service workers get jaded by governments, bureaucracy, or by the ‘lack’ of progress seen. We get questioned about why we work with those people in that country, when we could obviously be working with people in country X. We are told that constituents  are undeserving  because of a certain prejudice they hold, or just pure ignorance.

That’s enough for anyone to feel like giving up. I know I’ve lost that loving feeling for my organization from time to time. Trying to stay positive in that midst of a wave of negativity has tempted me to throw in the towel more than once. We need to focus on what drives us, not what tears us down. The most important people to think of are who we are working with and the communities who are grateful for what we do.

When I get bogged down by pessimism or red tape I try to go to the core of my passion: the answer to WHY I run an organization without funding for a salary.

The answer could be abstract, but for me the majority of the time I seek out tangible pictures. Whenever I lose my drive, I try to look at pictures from my organization. These pictures of the people we work with re-energize me, strip  me of my pessimism, and focus me back on the mission.

Whether you have a picture, a saying, or a song, you need to have something that draws your passion back and reminds you of your organization’s goals and how important your mission is.

Remember, even if your day sucked and you are feeling disenchanted, you are a driving force behind feeding the homeless, creating quality education, fighting disease, and many other worthy causes.

Chin up. Focus on the mission. We couldn’t do it without you.

Rethinking How We Define Success in the Non-Profit Sector

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Last week I read an article by Jordan Levy about the Ubuntu Education Fund, and how that instead of rushing to outcomes for the sake of results and funding, that we as a sector should acknowledge that positive and lasting change comes gradually. He states:

Our success stems from this comprehensive approach. We strive to address every facet of poverty, helping 2,000 children attain financial independence and lead healthy lives. Our commitment to children ‘from cradle to career’ gives us the courage to push back against the ‘bigger, faster, and cheaper’ mantra, to acknowledge that progress often comes incrementally, that real change requires sustained and sometimes expensive services. And, most importantly, it lets us redefine success as outcomes rather than single interventions. Who’s with us?

My organization works in the United States and also in one other small country (in less than 10 schools). Especially with our international programs, finding sustainable funding has been extremely difficult. I have no doubt in my mind it is because of the relatively micro nature of  our programs. It has been suggested to us numerous times that we should expand into other countries. Sometimes, I feel that, if my organization got a dollar for every time we were asked why we didn’t expand into a multinational organization, we might have the funding we needed to sustain ourselves.

We need to monitor and evaluate ourselves in order to produce the best programs that we can. However, why are the organizations with the largest metrics applauded? Sometimes without looking at the quality of the program? Personally, I have found that working on a ‘micro’ level has helped my organization hone our mission and pay attention to quality; I know for certain that expanding into multiple countries would diminish our work. I’m not saying that large groups shirk on quality, but we need to change the definition of success equating to X amount of people attended or fed, with the highest number receiving the most funding.

Sustainable change rarely comes from cheap, quick, and easy fixes or actions. In my experience, however, those are the type of projects that get the money. Funders want to see quick results, and they want digestible numbers to pass onto their backers. We as a sector NEED to continue to work, piece by piece toward sustainable goals, and remember that we are working with and for people and communities. We can do more than single interventions. We have the capacity and ability to be more than nice looking numbers.

When we work toward our mission in a comprehensive and responsible way, the true impact will speak for itself.

Who’s with us?

Why I Fight to Stay Positive

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I’m very lucky to have a girlfriend who reminds me that my goal for this blog is to create a safe and positive space for LGBT* non-profit folk. She has had to remind me quite a bit as of late. I’ve gotten fired up about a lot of national and international news; all I’ve wanted to do is to rant and rave about how people are assholes and why everything is terrible.

As much as it tempts me to be pessimistic about the world and the non-profit sector, I will continue to struggle with forcing myself to stay positive. Honestly, it’s a daily struggle. The World Vision controversy of last week had me leaning towards writing a piece about how aid organizations and non-profits who use religious affiliations as an excuse for homophobia are detrimental to the non-profit sector. As much as I want to, I can’t focus on it, and writing about it here will get nothing accomplished besides getting me more angry.

How do I stay positive, knowing that people would condemn me and dismiss my work because of my sexual orientation? I remember that the work that I am doing has a major positive impact on the world. My work is not devalued by organizations like World Vision or conservatives in Congress. I am making a positive difference in the world, and no amount of hate will stop me.

Do I still get pissed off by bigots? Of course.  I have days where all I want to do is focus on my fears of being outed, or getting kicked out of countries for being a lesbian, or not getting funded by an organization that turns out to be homophobic. Honestly these fears have kept me up at night countless times over the past five years. Why do we live in a world that would actively negate our humanitarian efforts because of our sexual orientation?

The sad fact is that we do, but that negativity cannot consume us and shape our work.  People like us need to keep fighting for water development, education, women’s rights, and all of the other noble causes that exist. If we overwhelm ourselves with the hate spewed at the LGBT* community, we cannot put our best work forward.

My main goal working in the non-profit sector is to make my little corner of the world a more positive and equal place. I can’t do that while bottling up resentment toward organizations and people who are actively discriminating against me. I know what my organization is doing for the people I work with. That is what I force myself to think about.

I can’t change the world for the better by focusing on the homophobia and institutionalized discrimination that exists in the non-profit sector. I can change the world by continuing my work and making sure my organization is helping people in the best way possible.

I need to believe that by staying positive I am becoming a better person, and thus a better humanitarian.